People are never perfect and neither are relationships with them. But we always want them to be and sometimes we feel that our relationship could be better, if only our partner changed a bit. If only they had quit their bad habit, learned to do something better or developed a better attitude to things. We think that all they need is a “little fix”.
Since most of us are impatient for happiness, we can become eager to solve this “issue” and take the matter of “fixing” in our own hands. In the best case scenario, we talk about it with our partner and try to inspire them to change. In the worst case – we start managing the whole process of their transformation.
Even if your partner agreed that they need to change, if it was you who researched all the information, talked to specialists, put reminders on their phone and now constantly follow up and monitor their progress, you are doing more damage than good to your relationship. Why?
You take away their responsibility
Your partner is an adult and is the only one responsible for who they are and how they act. When you become the person who manages their change/growth, they stop feeling that it’s their business and start holding you accountable. The problem is, they are the only person who has the power to really change themselves. But in order to do that, they need to make their own decision and feel their own responsibility for it.
You take away their achievement
If you are the one who initiated “fixing” their problem and the one who manages it, they attribute their success to you. A man who is being helped by his woman to solve his problem doesn’t feel as victorious when the problem is finally solved. He doesn’t feel like a superhero and cares less about the result. If he cares less about the result, he can get back to the old ways after some time, making you feel that you are running in circles.
You make them feel small
The more you are pushing them to change, the more control you take in your hands, the less you leave for your man, making them feel small, insignificant and not trusted. They start feeling and eventually even acting like a child, which is never a good development for the relationship.
It makes you obsessed
You are at risk of forgetting about your life, interests and growth, while you are concentrating on fixing your partner. It can also become an escape for you, in case you don’t want to deal with your life issues, making problems grow like a snowball.
Is there a way to make your partner change without being bossy and controlling? Yes, there is, but it’s a topic for another post, which I will write later. Before you learn that though, try to first stop doing everything listed above. Stop forcing your man’s transformation.
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